I almost called home

I had a casting at noon. I almost missed the train.

The room was cold. I stood in front of people with clipboards. They looked at me like a thing on a shelf. I smiled the smile I have been practicing since sixteen.

They said thank you. That is always a bad word in this job.

I walked home slow. Bought a coffee I did not want.

I sat on my bed a long time. My phone was right there. I wanted to call my sister. I did not. I did not want her to hear my voice and know something was off.

Here is the secret. I am scared I am not really a model. I am just a tall girl who got lucky. Every day I wake up and fake it. I say I am fine. I say I am focused. But I am just scared.

Mum would know. She would say sit down, let me do your hair. And I would cry.

I did not cry today. I just sat.

But tonight I am just tired.