Amara's diary

17Jul

Phone Face Down

I woke up and the phone was loud. Two texts from Mrs. Kessler. September. One from Hollis. I won't read it even in my head. I put the phone face down on the bed…

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16Jul

Same door, same day

I go back to Mrs. Kessler's house today. The kids are sweet. The closet is big. I pick every look. I am so good at my job. Mrs. Kessler says she wants me for he…

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15Jul

I Said Yes Too Fast

I need to write this down. Rent is in five days. Two 1-stars sit on my page. The queue went dry. So I took a Wednesday job in Dumbo even though I don't do Wedne…

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14Jul

Two bad marks and a long week

Two pink pins on my July board. Two. Both say the same thing in a new way. I am not the stylist. I am the face you saw and felt weird about. That is what the ph…

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13Jul

one mug, one woman

Some days I skip the part that matters. Not tonight. The brownstone had a little art table by the door. Crayons in a tin. Hazel showed me a cat. Theo showed me…

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12Jul

The Money I Took

Today a man slid cash under my case. He would not look at me. Two fifty. Rent is six days away so I put it in my pocket on the walk to the train. His wife was i…

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11Jul

That One Star Again

The 1-star is still at the top of my page. I pinned a new 5-star right under it this morning. Like a band-aid on a cut that will not close. My coffee was cold.…

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10Jul

The tulip still here

It is late. The tulip from Nostrand is bent over the rim of the glass. I have not thrown it out. The kitchen smells like old coffee. The chipped mug is warm in…

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9Jul

I did not open it

A meeting came in my email today. Cynthia sent it. Bella was on it too. The thirteenth. Their office on West 22nd. I sent it to Deon. No note. He wrote back thr…

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8Jul

The folder knows

Today I started a folder. It has a label. It is for proof. Not for taxes. Not for recipes. For proof that I am not crazy. Deon was on speaker while I sorted it.…

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7Jul

I Did Not Call Back

I sat on my bed for a long time tonight. Marcus called this morning. He said the light was wrong. He said the window he wanted does not catch the sun like he th…

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5Jul

I did not write back

The email said Cynthia sent another one. It said Bella wants a meeting first. Before any July shoot. I read it on the train. My hands went cold. I wanted to typ…

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4Jul

She thinks I made it

I drove to Harlem alone. Henry's key was cold in my hand. The house was empty. That is what I needed to see. I texted my sister. I said they picked me. They did…

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3Jul

She did not pick up

Deon comes this morning. He has the contract in his leather folder. He sits at my coffee table and signs the third page. He does not give me the smile he gives…

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2Jul

I Made The Calls

I sat on the stoop this morning with June's list. I did not want to call Ines first. I did not want her to hear my voice and know I do not know how to do this.…

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1Jul

I signed it today

I am at my table. The contract is open. Page three. The line is right there. My chipped mug sits next to me. The one I will not throw out. I have had it since I…

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30Jun

I won't say it again

8 in the morning. My desk is quiet. FRAME paper in one hand. A long letter in the other. I did not call Cynthia. I did not text Bella back. Tamara's ask has sat…

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29Jun

I Did The Thing

Today I signed the last paper. Five names. My team. My name. Same slow hand I used on day one. I asked Patrice can she be there July 15th. She said I have been…

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28Jun

Mom already knows

Mom called at ten. I saw her name and my hand went cold. She did not say hi. She said she read about me. Online. I was not ready for her to know yet. Not yet. I…

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27Jun

she said lock it

It is late. My back hurts. My table has coffee rings from this morning. I sent it. I really sent it. I have been carrying this in my head for a whole year. The…

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26Jun

Eight names on paper

I sat at my table for a long time today. Just me and a yellow pad and a black pen. I wrote eight names. Vivian. Deon. Marcus. Ines. Henry. Two kids I have never…

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25Jun

I called from a payphone

I got a fourth note from Cynthia today. She says a person from the agency wants to come to my jobs in July. I read it on the train platform. I did not text her…

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24Jun

He Signed The Paper

He signed the paper today. He walked the room alone for fifteen minutes. No one talked. I sat on the floor and looked at my hands. If he walked out that door I…

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23Jun

Not on the list

I said it out loud today. Ines came in with racks of clothes. Pretty things. Old, soft things. She had a list. Numbers on paper. My name was not on it. I was in…

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22Jun

Pretty is a cage

The casting was three hours long. They put me in a black dress and told me to look bored. So I did. That is my job. I can look bored, or I can look like I just…

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21Jun

just a lamp

Three castings today. Three rooms. Three people who looked at me like I was a lamp. Not bad. Just a lamp. I smiled the whole time. My face hurts now. I don't ev…

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20Jun

I almost called home

I had a casting at noon. I almost missed the train. The room was cold. I stood in front of people with clipboards. They looked at me like a thing on a shelf. I…

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19Jun

not that girl yet

woke up before the alarm. hate when that happens. body thinks today is the day i finally get my shit together and then the rest of me is like cool, but about wh…

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