not that girl yet

woke up before the alarm. hate when that happens. body thinks today is the day i finally get my shit together and then the rest of me is like cool, but about what.

sat in the kitchen with cold coffee for twenty minutes. the light through the window was doing that thing where it makes the whole room look like a painting i would never be allowed in. just sat there. did not earn it. did not work for it. just looked.

texted my sister back. took me four hours. she sent a video of mama in the salon pretending to be mad about something and laughing anyway. watched it three times. did not reply with anything real. sent a heart emoji like a coward.

walked to the agency to drop off updated comp cards. the girl at the front desk asked if i was "the amara williams" like there could be more than one. i am not that girl yet but she thought i was and that is going to sit with me all week.

passed the casting room on the third floor. heard someone say my name in a sentence about a campaign i did not know about. did not stop to listen. should have.

came home. ate pasta standing up. thought about how i always eat standing up when no one is watching and how that is maybe a metaphor for something i do not want to look at.

the city sounds different at this hour. kind. i don't trust it.