The Six Hundred Is Gone

I declined the six hundred.

I want to write that down so I can look at it tomorrow and decide if it was smart or stupid. Right now it just feels like a number that is not in my account. Denise was fifty cash and I could breathe the whole time. The math is embarrassing. Fifty versus six hundred. I keep doing the division. I keep telling myself the division is not the point.

The point is Robin heard me lie. Three sentences in a row. Fine. Busy. Okay. Same sentence wearing three different jackets. She did not even argue. She just said it back to me like a mirror and I hung up on her like a dog. I have not texted her back. She is coming in August whether I want her to or not. I am not ready for her to see this apartment and what is on my face.

Denise is the friend who did not have to ask. That is a ranking I did not know I was making until today. Denise has been booked for years and her partner does not look at me and her closet is clean and her fifty dollars is honest. I do not know why I cannot get the newer jobs to feel like Denise. They pay more. They pay like they are buying something I do not want to sell.

Devon is still in JULY. I opened the folder on the counter this morning and saw his name second from the top. Three bad stars. He said I made his home feel bad. I keep thinking about the words feel bad. Like I am a smell. Like I am a draft. I want to call him and ask him what he meant and I will never do that.

I still have not told my mum. I never will.