I Hung Up First

The $600 message is still in my messages. I am not opening it. I let it sit all day like it does not exist.

Robin called this morning. She said she is coming in August. I said I am fine. I am busy. I am okay. Three small lies before 7:15. She said, "I can hear you not being fine." I hung up on my own sister because she got too close to the real me.

Then I went to Denise's. Fifty cash. Easy. Safe. Her partner made us lunch and I smiled the whole time.

On the J train I typed "the calendar does not work" in that message and I deleted it. I do not know why I typed it. I do not know why I deleted it.

The thing I will not say loud: I am scared of that apartment. I am scared of someone looking at me for ten hours. I am scared Robin is right.