The thing about mothers

He said it like a weather report. Not a threat. A fact of atmospheric pressure. And I have been walking around all day letting that live in my chest like a stone I cannot cough up.

I told my sister I was busy. That is the clean version. The truth is I could not hear her voice and also carry what I am carrying. She would hear something underneath. She always does. So I said "work stuff" and she said "you sound tired" and I said "stylist hours" and we both pretended.

The form is in my nightstand drawer. I photographed it but the real one is under a receipt from the dry cleaner like that is keeping it safe. Like I am keeping it safe. Banned from the tower and I have a piece of paper that says I was supposed to be there. The contradiction should feel like victory. It just feels like standing in a room where someone moved the furniture.

Jolene will be across the street tomorrow. I need her to be sharp. I need her not to be soft with me because soft is what people do when they start to feel sorry for you and sorry is a cage with no door. I ranked her again tonight. She is still at the top. The sentence I know and the sentence I cannot afford.

The evidence map is almost complete. Almost is a dangerous word. It means the shape is visible but the bottom is not. It means I started this and now it is moving on its own and my mother is somewhere in a sentence that man said like he was commenting on rain.