Pretty is a cage

The casting was three hours long. They put me in a black dress and told me to look bored. So I did. That is my job. I can look bored, or I can look like I just woke up. I can do all of it. But no one ever asks what I really feel.

I walked home slow. The city is loud and I am tired of loud. My phone had 12 emails. Just my agent. Just brands. Just people who want my face for one day.

I almost called Mom. I picked up the phone and put it down. I do this a lot. I am not a kid. I do not know why it still feels big.

I ate cold noodles with no lights on. Just the little one above the stove. I do that a lot too.

I am scared I will be only a body forever. I am scared pretty is all I have. I am scared there is no me left under it.

I did not write that down before. I am writing it now.