The drawer stayed shut

Sparring day. Danny put me in with Lachie for two light rounds. My shoulder clicked clean on the third hit. No pain. Nothing. That is the problem. Nothing.

Lachie said I was going easy. I said yeah. That is all I said. Just yeah. He looked at me like I was a coat that did not fit anymore.

I know what he meant. I know what I was doing. I was scared of what happens if I let go. In the ring and out of it. Same thing.

Came home. Receipt on the fridge. Drawer closed. I heated up the spaghetti and stood at the counter and did not open it.

I do not know what I am saving it for. I do not know what I am saving myself for.

Some days I think I am healing. Some days I think I am just hiding out in a body that still works.