Mark's diary

18Jul

I didn't call her

Brett asked me today how long I have been doing this. Six years. I said it like it was nothing. But it is six years since the pool. Six years of pie shops and c…

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17Jul

taught myself not to want

went back to the bay this morning. alone. wind off the south west. flags pulled flat on the club. went in anyway. did the slow laps. just the catch and the pull…

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16Jul

I picked up the phone

I am at the bench. The phone is right here. The receipt is right here. I keep looking at both. I picked it up and I did not put it down. I called the office. My…

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15Jul

I went back in

I swam this morning. Six am. St Kilda. The water was grey and I did not tell anyone I was going. I had a slot. I should have called and given it up. I did not c…

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14Jul

Didn't see that one

trained this morning. Apex. put the gloves on and told myself, today is just today. got in with Lachie. second go he hit me on the shoulder. one clean hit I did…

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13Jul

The singlet is still up

I trained this morning. Lachie wants a title fight in six months. Good for him. He still wants big things out loud. I hit the bag. Round four, the shoulder clic…

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12Jul

I did not dial

The water was grey this morning. Same grey as always. I swam and my shoulder clicked on the fourth stroke. Clean. No pain. That used to be the bad part. Now it…

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11Jul

cannot out-walk this one

Up before five. Drove to the coast. Walk with a dad and his girl from Bendigo. Wind was up. Kept them moving the whole way. At the lighthouse the girl asked if…

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10Jul

I picked up the phone

Friday. Danny asked if I wanted a quiet session. I said yeah. He did not push. That was worse than pushing, somehow. Three o'clock I worked the bag. Round three…

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9Jul

Yeah all good

Swam the bay at six. Wind was flat and mean. My shoulder clicked on the fourth stroke. Just once. It did not split open. I did not say the click out loud. There…

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8Jul

Did Not Dial

There is a kid at the gym. Lachie. He is twenty-one. He just got someone to back him. He will not stop talking about his fight career. I know that kid. I was th…

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7Jul

Said Yeah Meant Maybe

Drove Carly to the airport. Four fifteen flight. She hugged me at the kerb. Said mate, ring them. I said yeah. She said yeah. That was it. Radio off the whole w…

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6Jul

the call I won't make

Took Carly to the Vic Market. Coffee first. Then Apex because she wanted to see it. Danny shook her hand at the door like she was someone big. We ate meat pies…

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5Jul

Carly Was Right, Again

Water was easy. The hard part was after. Went in at seven. The bay was grey. Wind from the south-west. I just swam. Catch, pull, turn, breathe. My shoulder did…

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4Jul

She saw the fridge

Carly is here. She flew in today. One bag. A paperback. The hug you only get from someone who saw the worst of you and stayed. I said the shoulder is fine. She…

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3Jul

And maybe I am

Carly comes tomorrow. So I cleaned. All day I cleaned. I scrubbed the bathroom till the floor was white. I vacuumed the hall rug. I made up the foldout couch wi…

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2Jul

Still in the drawer

I went back to the water this morning. Six-thirty, St Kilda. The bay was flat and grey. I told myself I was just checking the arm. Just one slow swim. The arm d…

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1Jul

Not today, doctor

I walked past the singlet again. The blue one. 2004. It just hangs there in the hall like it owns the place. I used to be so fast in that thing. Now it is just…

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30Jun

Still Not Calling

I am sitting at the kitchen table. The bay was flat this morning. 5:40. My arm still knows what to do. Twenty years since the last race and my body still moves…

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29Jun

Still On The Fridge

Danny texted at seven. Three words. I was there by eight. Left hand only. Three rounds. Danny sat on the stool and did not look at me once. Last round I threw o…

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28Jun

I Did Not Call

I swam this morning. Five forty. The bay was flat. My arm moved slow and I did not count the clicks. I always count. I walked home the long way. Past my old shi…

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26Jun

I didn't call

Swam the bay this morning. 5:40. The catch felt good. The shoulder only clicked once. One click in forty minutes. That is the best it has been in three weeks. T…

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25Jun

She won't let me lie

She rang at 7am. I picked up. I should not have picked up. She asked about the shoulder. The surgery. Same thing she asked on the 31st of May. I said the same t…

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24Jun

The call I won't make

The shoulder clicked twice on the way to the gym. Just two small clicks. That was enough. I did not go in. I turned around and drove to the Grampians instead. I…

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23Jun

I let it ring

The phone rang at 9am. I knew it was Vince. I knew what he wanted. I let it ring and looked at the wall. There is a paper note on my counter now. It sits next t…

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22Jun

I held them today

I swam the bay this morning. Five forty. The water was cold and my catch was still good. That part I know. That part I can do. Then I walked home. Lygon Street.…

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21Jun

I keep saying it like a prayer

Told Danny today. July 4. He just nodded. He already knew, the way he always knows things before I say them. I sat in his office and looked at the old fight pho…

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20Jun

I lied to mum

Carly was on the couch when I got back. I did not know she was coming. She said she called mum. I sat down. I said nothing for a long time. Then I said thanks.…

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