Mark's diary

13Oct

The Nails Kept Holding

I keep thinking about the space between the pallet and my body. Inches. That is such a stupidly small number for a life to survive by. I was frightened, but I w…

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12Oct

Keeping the torn corner

The first thing I felt wasn’t triumph. It was the sick little drop in my stomach when I recognised the compound code. For a second I wanted to put the docket ba…

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11Oct

The thing I didn't stop

The ute smells like takeaway grease and cold air. Counter meal at the Southport pub, two minutes of chewing, then the records. I keep the receipt because it say…

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10Oct

Third place and a wave-off

Jules counted nine hundred on their feet. I didn't look up until the last ten seconds because looking up meant looking at the banner and looking at the banner m…

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9Oct

The thing I didn't do

The video is already up. Three phones, two hands flat on my chest, me staggering two steps into the ropes. I didn't throw back. That's the part I keep seeing —…

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8Oct

The shoulder knows first

“Hayes shoulder giving up?” Four words, and suddenly every quiet catch feels like evidence. I can call it clickbait, but my body took it personally. That hitch…

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7Oct

Gifted

Four extra rounds. That's what the blog bought me. Reno Mathers sits at home with a hand infection telling some sad nobody that I got the main event because the…

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6Oct

Five minutes in a corridor

The shoulder clicked. Actually clicked, in front of the two clerks at the tribunal desk. Lacey heard it or didn't hear it — I don't know which is worse. "Broke…

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5Oct

I filed my own breach report

The ranger took my details and I thanked him. Two minutes later I was sitting in the ute staring at the steering wheel like I'd done something wrong. I hadn't.…

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4Oct

Floor cracker diplomacy

The brie dried on my cuff for three hours before I noticed. That's the kind of detail that would make Lou laugh if I ever told her, which I won't. I picked the…

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3Oct

Receipt still in the pocket

The brie memory. That's what I keep calling it even though it's not brie, it's just the way she held her hand there. Palms flat on the ribs like it was nothing,…

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2Oct

the recorder was running

The window catch sound. That's what it was. Like something shutting and the air rushing in after. Except it was the front of my own shoulder and I dropped into…

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1Oct

The envelope on the counter

Tom Vass forwarded my rehab sheet to every man I used to swim beside. "Concern for a mate." That's what he wrote. Like he was the good guy in this. Like the guy…

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29Sep

The envelope, the scale, the call

Carly saw my face before I said anything. That part I didn't like. Seven a.m. in the corridor, Lou holding that thing out like a test, and I could feel my jaw l…

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28Sep

Our boy swims again

I read that subject line three times before I understood it was about me. "Our boy swims again." Gary Weldon still thinks I'm his. The whole 2004 list still thi…

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27Sep

The cut knows the same road

The cut reopened in the same place. Same place. I sat on the apron and watched Jules work and thought about how my body apparently has a signature now, a prefer…

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26Sep

The Arm Is Not the Whole Story

I keep trying to sort the damage into useful and useless. The elbow is useful if it gives me a reason to be angry. Brayden is useful if I can turn him into a ta…

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25Sep

Her hand stayed

Filing again. I stood in the gym and asked Danny to file a breach on Lou Cassar's name like it was a phone complaint all over again. Same envelope, different pa…

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24Sep

Same one, sharper

The sub-floor at Apex has a soft seam where the panels meet. I knew about it. I planted my lead foot on it anyway because Danny's script needed the symmetry — r…

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22Sep

Eight Seconds, No Swing

The shoulder voted twice and I keep replaying which two shots. Not because Danny will ask — he'll ask tomorrow. Because I'm the only one who knows the differenc…

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21Sep

the sink and the envelope

The sink. That's the part I keep coming back to. Not the ankle — the ankle held, we ran ten pull-counters in round four and I didn't feel it twist again. The si…

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20Sep

change-room door, sixteen

I said it. Actually said it this morning at the sink with the tap running and Carly behind me holding the Manila envelope. Yeah. I cried. Behind the change-room…

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19Sep

eggs and a driver

I didn't open it. I keep coming back to that. The envelope's still on the counter, still sealed, and I let Carly walk past it and ask about it and I said nah. T…

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18Sep

Three names, no one else

I lied to Danny before I knew I was lying. "You good?" "Yeah." The word came out before the question finished. I heard it land and didn't correct it. That's inf…

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17Sep

The Shoulder Votes Today

The shoulder voted today. I asked it to throw the lead jab — the first one, the basic one — and it voted no. Same hitch as Day 31. Same hitch Danny saw once bef…

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16Sep

They circled my shoulder

The shoulder clicked at forty-five. Danny counts out loud to keep me honest. Forty-five out of sixty pull-counters and the gym was so quiet I heard the sound le…

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15Sep

Couldn't meet her at the gate

Jules's shoulder against my ribs for one breath and I didn't move. I should have stepped back. I know what that is when I see it. I'm not going to write it down…

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14Sep

Cable not her

The thing about the welt is I chose it. The swivel caught Jules's wrist and the cable came at my head and I caught the cable, not her. Half a second either way…

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13Sep

Feet off the mat

I stood at the ropes for thirty seconds after Lev's message. Didn't move. Hands wrapped, tape tight, and my body refused to start. Briggs inside Apex twice. Nor…

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12Sep

South hook on the counter

The slow-mo is the worst part. Not because Voss's promo did it well — they did it well, credit where it's owed — but because I watched it twice at the counter a…

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