Mark's diary

20Sep

change-room door, sixteen

I said it. Actually said it this morning at the sink with the tap running and Carly behind me holding the Manila envelope. Yeah. I cried. Behind the change-room…

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19Sep

eggs and a driver

I didn't open it. I keep coming back to that. The envelope's still on the counter, still sealed, and I let Carly walk past it and ask about it and I said nah. T…

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18Sep

Three names, no one else

I lied to Danny before I knew I was lying. "You good?" "Yeah." The word came out before the question finished. I heard it land and didn't correct it. That's inf…

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17Sep

The Shoulder Votes Today

The shoulder voted today. I asked it to throw the lead jab — the first one, the basic one — and it voted no. Same hitch as Day 31. Same hitch Danny saw once bef…

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16Sep

They circled my shoulder

The shoulder clicked at forty-five. Danny counts out loud to keep me honest. Forty-five out of sixty pull-counters and the gym was so quiet I heard the sound le…

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15Sep

Couldn't meet her at the gate

Jules's shoulder against my ribs for one breath and I didn't move. I should have stepped back. I know what that is when I see it. I'm not going to write it down…

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14Sep

Cable not her

The thing about the welt is I chose it. The swivel caught Jules's wrist and the cable came at my head and I caught the cable, not her. Half a second either way…

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13Sep

Feet off the mat

I stood at the ropes for thirty seconds after Lev's message. Didn't move. Hands wrapped, tape tight, and my body refused to start. Briggs inside Apex twice. Nor…

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12Sep

South hook on the counter

The slow-mo is the worst part. Not because Voss's promo did it well — they did it well, credit where it's owed — but because I watched it twice at the counter a…

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11Sep

She didn't tell me

Three minutes at the rack. Gloves on, Danny holding the mitts waiting, me not throwing a single one. That was the whole conversation. I didn't have the words so…

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10Sep

The line was easier than the wait

The scan is in Danny's hands and not in mine. He read it at the desk and didn't pass it across. I stood behind his chair and watched his face do the thing faces…

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9Sep

The Dent in the Panel

The dent is mine. I pressed the panel in the garage light this morning and the metal caved where Brayden's shoulder put it. The bruise on my hip is darker than…

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8Sep

Circled in Red

The hitch circled in red. Thirty seconds of me on a public feed, Briggs narrating my second beat like he's teaching a clinic. That's how Jules held it up at the…

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7Sep

Swimmer back, mate

The 2004 photo is a stranger. I know it's me by the chin and the shoulders, but that kid never had a turnbuckle in his back. That kid was still going to matter.…

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6Sep

Vass Signed His Name

The post has Vass's real name under it. That's the part I keep coming back to. Anyone can hide behind a handle. He typed his actual name and pressed send, and t…

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5Sep

Three more rounds after

I ran three rounds with a centimetre cut above my eye. Blood in the sweatband. Jules had the kit open before I noticed my glove was wet. Danny waved it off. I d…

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4Sep

The shoulder voted today

The bag chain didn't snap on its own. I want to believe it did. I felt my rotation pull before the metal let go. The order matters and I won't tell Jules. Two p…

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3Sep

shoulder on a docket

Good. I said good. I don't know what good meant. Come at me, or: good, now I have to break you so I can stop thinking about my own shoulder. Both true. I said i…

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2Sep

Didn't swing today

I didn't swing. I've been turning that over since five a.m. and I still don't know if it's discipline or if the shoulder just wouldn't let me. Cotton walked int…

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1Sep

Three names, no send

Three names in the notebook and I keep adding nothing. Just staring at them until the rice goes cold. One of them is a swimmer I used to train beside at the ins…

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30Aug

Co-headliner, Same Shoulder

Lou rolled up with the broadcast promoter. I got named co-headliner on a coin toss. The room read it. I re-signed the contract in the foyer while Rob, Josh, and…

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29Aug

What They Kept

The foot on the platform. That's the thing I can't shake. I know it wasn't a knockdown — I know what the floor saw and what Briggs's corner saw are two differen…

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28Aug

Should have gone to Athens

I treaded water and a man on the pontoon said my name like it still belonged to something. AIS 2004. Gary Weldon. The freestyle flyer who should have gone to At…

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27Aug

Same seam, same word

She said "swimmer" at the door. In front of the room. In front of my kids. Not "coach" or even "the new trainer" — "swimmer." Like I'm a draft from a different…

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26Aug

twenty-two in a car park

He said twenty-two like he owned it. That is the part that will not leave. Not the cameraman in my face, not Lev saying swimmer like a brand, not the fog on the…

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25Aug

Cut three, still standing

Three times this month. That is the number I keep circling. The cut above my left brow has opened three times in August now, and every time it heals the scar ti…

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24Aug

Signed it anyway

I signed it. O'Brien — never met him, he read my MRI for eleven minutes and said it like the weather. Torn front, frayed back. You can fight on it, you shouldn'…

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23Aug

See you in September, swimmer

The shoulder went numb first. That is the part I keep landing on. One clean right hand from a twenty-three-year-old with two stoppages and the arm was gone for…

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22Aug

I Asked for the Appointment

The thing I keep turning over is not the stair. The stair is just the stair. I have hit that same rubber nosing before and my ankle has had things to say about…

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21Aug

the word swimmer

Three rounds clean. Read the right hand. Shoulder didn't speak until the cooldown. I keep waiting to feel proud of that and instead I keep replaying the caption…

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