I did not pick it up

Woke up before the alarm. Drove to St Kilda in the dark. Water was grey and cold and my arms knew what to do.

Fourth stroke, my shoulder clicked. Once. Then it held. I kept swimming and did not think about the drawer.

At Apex, a new girl. Tessa. Twenty-three. Sharp hands but her back foot drifts and she does not know it. I told her. She nodded and did it again. I liked that about her.

Kitchen in the afternoon. Stood at the counter where the phone sat Thursday. Opened the drawer. Manila envelope right there. I looked at it. Did not pick it up. Closed the drawer.

The list runs into autumn. Dr Reyes will ring. I am sitting in a kitchen waiting for a phone to ring. Me. The man who swims cold water at six-fifteen.

That is the bit I cannot say. I am scared my shoulder will go before the date comes. I could not open the envelope. A girl twenty-three is just starting. And I am watching my own body like it is someone else's.