She won't let me lie

She rang at 7am. I picked up.

I should not have picked up.

She asked about the shoulder. The surgery. Same thing she asked on the 31st of May. I said the same thing back. I don't know. That is my answer for stuff I don't want to look at.

Carly is the only one who asks in a way I can't get past. Everyone else I can make laugh. I can say I'm fine and they walk away. She doesn't walk away. She waits.

She is coming on the 4th of July. That is nine days. Nine days to pick an answer and say it to her face.

Here is what I won't say out loud. I am scared of the surgery. I am more scared of not doing it. I am scared of what it means if I do. It means the shoulder was real. It means the swimming life was real. It means I lost it. For real.

I put the phone on the counter. I stood in the kitchen a long time.

I still don't know.