Feet off the mat

I stood at the ropes for thirty seconds after Lev's message. Didn't move. Hands wrapped, tape tight, and my body refused to start. Briggs inside Apex twice. Northside changed hands. I don't know yet what that means and it sat in my gut like something I'd swallowed wrong.

Brayden put his shoulder into me hard enough my feet left the ground. Two inches off the mat and a circle of parents with phones. I pushed him off. I didn't swing. I keep ranking myself on that — was it discipline, or did I just not have the punch in me because my mind was still on Lev's voice on Danny's speaker? I don't like either answer.

The thread went up at four. "Hayes shoves visiting fighter." One-sided clip, one-sided caption. I'm the attacker in someone else's footage and every parent on that forum is going to believe it because that's how footage works.

I called Carly and said the words. I need you here. I have never said that to anyone. I have been running from needing anyone since I was twenty-two and the water stopped being mine. She said she's coming. She didn't ask why.

The AIS envelope is still on the counter. I cooked around it. I ate around it. Her shoulder was against mine on the sofa and the envelope was two floors down in the dark and I didn't go down for it. Five a.m. session tomorrow. Danny still hasn't answered me. I'll ask before we put the gloves on.