I did not cut

I did not sign the paper.
I sat on it for three days.
I kept thinking what amma will say.
What if I am just being stupid.
What if no one ever calls again.

Then today I picked up the phone.
I called Ustad-ji in Jaipur.
I did not think he would pick up.
He did.
First time in months.

He said he heard.
I said, Ustad-ji, they were asking me to cut.
He was quiet for so long.
I thought he hung up.

Then he said, then you did not cut.
And you are still here.
That is the answer.

I put the phone down.
My hands were shaking.
I did not dance today.
I just sat with The Hindu open on the counter.
Ustad-ji's voice and amma's voice in the same room.

Yaar I do not know if I am brave.
Pata nahi if I just lost it all.
But he said still here.
That is the answer.
I am writing it down so I do not forget.