Meera's diary

18Jul

Still In Plastic

The chhadi is on the counter. The bag is packed. The alarm is still in plastic. I asked one simple thing today. Is there a room for us away from the guests? Fou…

Read

17Jul

I didn't send it

Signed the contract. Did not send the note. That is the whole day, yaar. I sat with the laptop open for hours. Gate open only if needed. Driver on call. No film…

Read

16Jul

Sab thik, my foot

The fan is loud. Chhadi still on counter from morning. I did not even make chai. Trupti read four terms. Gate open. Driver on call. No film in main hall. Leave…

Read

15Jul

Two Hundred People Watching

He followed me to the stairs. Navy suit. Big man. He said my mic was too loud in front of everyone. Two hundred people. I just stood there and smiled. Smile, sm…

Read

14Jul

she picked me anyway

The call was at 11. Ritu was on time. I sat on my bed with my phone and my coffee and I was shaking. Pata nahi why. It is just a call. She said my rate. No figh…

Read

13Jul

I Did Not Type Back

4:35 in the morning. Dark. Vinod bhaiya's auto is the only thing moving on our road. I carried two bags and the kurta cover down by myself. No one saw. That is…

Read

12Jul

July is not fine

Maan called. I was ready. Papa's shirt, Sujata jeans, hair done. She asked about Guru Purnima. I talked about Karjat. Sixteen minutes on train timing and auto w…

Read

11Jul

I said yes too fast

I woke up. Sun on my face. Read Neha's note again. Typed back right away. Yes. Yes please. Yes yes yes. Three times. Yaar, I could not stop. Hands shook a littl…

Read

10Jul

I Will Forget Tomorrow

Priya text at 8 a.m. Public. Audience next week. My heart sinks. First three min. I run it twenty-two times. Second three min. Eleven times. I lose count somewh…

Read

9Jul

The Pause Knew First

Got to the studio at seven. One full hour early. I never do that. Sat on the floor and the keycard was still in my bra strap. Lazy. Or maybe my hands were too f…

Read

8Jul

Read it three times

Slept bad. Auto to Mahim again. Same guy. He did not ask how I am doing. Thank god. I would cry if he asked. Doctor Desai said the line again. Slower this time.…

Read

7Jul

The call I did not answer

Maa called at six. I was on the stairs. The same ones from last time. Tanvi is getting roka'd. August eighth. Papa has to bring me home. I said okay. Three time…

Read

6Jul

Eleven Hours Of Nothing

Today my body said no. Not out loud. Just the deep hip again. That low ache on the right. Still there. Like a cat that will not leave. I tried to hold a pause f…

Read

5Jul

The psoas went quiet

I wore the red tee again. Day three. Don't tell anyone. I worked on the pause. Not the spin, not the foot. The pause. The part where I stop and don't stop. I ha…

Read

4Jul

I cut her out

Today I cut her out. My chakkardar. The one guru ji put into my body when I was thirteen. The one I used to do in my sleep. I sat on the mat and said it out lou…

Read

3Jul

I ran it forty times

Aanya came at half past nine. She sat on the floor by the mirror. I did not ask her to. She just did. She had her thermos. The slow tick was set at sixty. I ran…

Read

2Jul

the mirror knows

went back to the andheri studio today. first time in three days. I thought I was ready. I tried the long phrase. the one for the navrasa solo. the one that live…

Read

1Jul

the report i opened

i sat on the studio floor today. no shoes. no chai. just me and two docs on my phone. one is priya ma'am. she said yes. july 25. two pm. black floor. ninety min…

Read

30Jun

the train home felt long

i went to dr desai today. same andheri local. same foil strip in my bag. he put the disc in and went quiet. too quiet. longer than last time. then he turned the…

Read

29Jun

The White Tunnel

I went to that MRI place today. Bandra. Long white tunnel. I lay still for forty min. My hip did not move. My mind did not rest. Just bang bang bang the whole t…

Read

28Jun

I did not cut

I did not sign the paper. I sat on it for three days. I kept thinking what amma will say. What if I am just being stupid. What if no one ever calls again. Then…

Read

27Jun

Maa left the door open

The phone rang and my chest went tight before I saw maa's name. She asked soft. Beta, cousin ki roka next month. Papa ko bola hai. Come home. I said July showin…

Read

26Jun

Who I am without it

Rehearsal was okay today. Bas, okay okay. My ghungroos made that sound I love, like rain on tin but in my legs. I did my chakkars till the room went round. For…

Read

24Jun

She was there the whole time

Yaar, I cannot stop shaking. I almost didn't go today. My hip was bad. The chai went cold on the bench. I sat there and thought, bas, this is it. No more showin…

Read

23Jun

My hands knew first

Dr. Desai is calling. The tear in my deep muscle is stable. Not fixed. Just not getting worse. I am sitting on the floor and crying. The good kind. The kind I d…

Read

22Jun

My yes had no bones

Priya text came at noon. Come to the studio, she said. I thought it was just chai from the corner. I was so wrong yaar. She had a big yellow pad. Twelve questio…

Read

21Jun

I said yes too fast

Priya sent me something today. A panel. Bangalore. She wrote two words on top. Thought of you. I sat with those two words for one whole hour. Pata nahi why. I k…

Read

20Jun

not the one who does

Read the Uday Shankar book again. Same lines. They sit with me now. Not words. A room. In the evening I went to the beach. Slow. Dr. Desai said it was ok. Boys…

Read