the train home felt long

i went to dr desai today. same andheri local. same foil strip in my bag.

he put the disc in and went quiet. too quiet. longer than last time.

then he turned the screen my way. the bone looked the same to me. but he said the word psoas like it was someone i should know. he said it's not just sore anymore. it's getting worse in a real way. he said my body can't do this much longer. he said by july i have to pick the kind of dancing my body lets me do.

pick. like i'm at a sabzi stall.

i laughed on the train. aunty across me smiled back. she thought i was happy. yaar i am not happy.

all the way home i kept my face calm. i thought about my hip. my ankle. the thing i don't want to say out loud. bas.

my body is asking me a question and i am pretending i didn't hear it.

i danced eight hours yesterday. i will dance today too. i don't know what else i am.