The kada is warm now

The kada is warm now. It was cold yesterday, I remember that. Tonight it has taken the heat from my skin and I can feel it there even when I'm not touching it, a small gold circle that means nothing except it does mean something, it means I am the kind of girl who wears kadas, who calls her brother about roka dates and does not mention the post.

I mentioned the roka dates.

He sounded so happy. He said mummy will be so pleased and I said yes yes of course and I could hear him smiling and I put the phone down and the folder was right there on the kitchen counter where I left it and I did not open it. I made dal and rice instead. I ate at the kitchen table. The window was open and the street noise was there and it was the only thing today that did not require a version of me.

But I called him. I actually called him. Not about the clip, not about Priya, not about the bid at sixteen thousand which is still a number that lives in my chest like a stone. I called him about roka dates and mummy's face when she hears. He will tell her. She will ask me questions at the function and I will smile and say everything is fine.

Everything is not fine. Heena is drafting the IT Act read-aloud and I said yes escalate and I meant it when I said it but lying in bed at midnight with the lamp still on and the folder open to Priya's post I am not sure what I am building anymore. A case. Fear. An ending I can point to.