My hands knew first

Dr. Desai is calling. The tear in my deep muscle is stable. Not fixed. Just not getting worse. I am sitting on the floor and crying. The good kind. The kind I do not tell anyone about.

I walk to Versova later. I do not plan to. My feet just go. The sea is loud and grey. I stand at the railing and my hands start doing it. The small Kathak moves. Soft. Slow. Like they remember before I do.

I stop. I stand so still. I cannot breathe right for a second. Here is the secret I have not said. I am scared my body has given up on me. I am scared I am the only one still hoping.

But my hands are tapping on that railing. They are not done. Yaar, they are not done.

I am not better. I know that. But tonight the fear is a little smaller. And my hands are still warm.