The Tab I Won't Close

The tab is open again. I open it. I close it. I open it. I close it. I have done this all day. The seat is right there. One click. I have the money. I have the time. I have nothing in my way. So why is my hand so still. The print on the sill. The Lisbon light is on it now. It looks like Joburg at five p.m. and my chest does that thing. I miss it. I miss it and I hate that I miss it. I told myself I was done missing it. Dad. The person I left. The whole big mess I walked out on. I am scared I will get on that plane and it will be the same. I am scared I will not get on it and that will be the same too. So I just sit. Tab open. Tab closed. Day gone. Nobody knows I do this.