two cold cups

it's raining. the kit is still in the boot. i keep saying i'll go out tomorrow but i won't.

winter is slow for the bugs. that's what i tell myself. it sounds like a reason. it is not a reason. the real reason is i'm scared if i sit still. things come up. things i don't want to think about.

dad called last week. i didn't call back. the degree is still in my desk drawer. the person i left. i still know their number by heart. i know it like i know my own name. that's the bit i can't say out loud.

i made tea twice and forgot to drink it. the second cup is cold on the counter now. i am good at making tea. i am not good at drinking it. i am not good at being still.

the torch is charged. the boots are by the door. if i wanted to go i could go. i don't want to go. i want to want to go.

that's a different thing.