The Part I Could Not Control

I hated that Tamsin’s refusal came out sounding braver than anything I could have given her. She stood inside the truth and put her own name on it, while I was still crowded against the glass being pushed toward a lie. I wanted her freedom. I also wanted the credit for it. Those feelings sat in me together, and neither one made the other cleaner.

Felix’s certainty was the ugliest thing in the room. Not anger, exactly. He behaved as if my choices belonged to him until he could package them for sale. I kept thinking of the nurse handing over my location and felt a flash of hatred so sharp I nearly laughed. I wanted everyone involved to understand exactly what they had done. Then I wanted them gone from my sight.

Afterwards, I wrote down every place Felix pressured me to sign. I made another timestamped copy, not because one copy was inadequate, but because I distrust anything that exists only once these people have touched it. Marika’s exposed address frightened me more than I admitted. One address can become a chain of frightened people, and Felix already knows how to pull that chain.

I sent my brother a brief update. I wanted him to hear the words “I am giving a police statement” and understand that I am frightened, but brevity saved me from explaining why. As usual.