I deleted it again

The rain came back today. Cape Town rain. The kind that hits the tin roof so hard you can not think.

I did not go out. Too wet, too cold. Even the scorpions hide in this weather. So I sat with the stock. Fed them. Watched them sit still in their boxes.

I made tea three times. Did not finish any of it.

I keep telling myself the slow weeks are okay. That I am saving money. That the bugs need rest too. But the real reason I did not go is because I did not want to be alone in the car with my own head.

I am alone in the flat all day and that feels fine. Put me in the bakkie with two hours of road and the quiet gets loud.

I texted him back. Then I deleted it. Then I typed it again. Then I left it.

Tomorrow I will pack the kit. I will drive until the stars come. I will find one. That is what I tell myself so I can sleep.