No Sleep, Just This

floor. back against the bed. phone in my hand. alfama room, same one as always.

the morocco job moved to the 17th. same day as johannesburg. same. freaking. day.

two days to pick.

the sick part? I made my whole life so I never have to pick. one bag. no roots. no one waiting. I told myself that was brave. maybe it was just a way to skip the question.

and now the question is sitting on my bed looking at me.

I know what one door is. work. money. easy yes. the other door is the person I haven't called in two years. the one in cape town. the one I think about when the light is good and I should be thinking about the shot.

I went up to the roof. I shot until the light was gone. the light doesn't ask me anything. that's why I love it.

came back down. sat on the floor. still here.

I won't sleep. if I sleep I have to wake up and choose and I'm not ready.