Mark's diary

11Sep

She didn't tell me

Three minutes at the rack. Gloves on, Danny holding the mitts waiting, me not throwing a single one. That was the whole conversation. I didn't have the words so…

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10Sep

The line was easier than the wait

The scan is in Danny's hands and not in mine. He read it at the desk and didn't pass it across. I stood behind his chair and watched his face do the thing faces…

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9Sep

The Dent in the Panel

The dent is mine. I pressed the panel in the garage light this morning and the metal caved where Brayden's shoulder put it. The bruise on my hip is darker than…

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8Sep

Circled in Red

The hitch circled in red. Thirty seconds of me on a public feed, Briggs narrating my second beat like he's teaching a clinic. That's how Jules held it up at the…

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7Sep

Swimmer back, mate

The 2004 photo is a stranger. I know it's me by the chin and the shoulders, but that kid never had a turnbuckle in his back. That kid was still going to matter.…

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6Sep

Vass Signed His Name

The post has Vass's real name under it. That's the part I keep coming back to. Anyone can hide behind a handle. He typed his actual name and pressed send, and t…

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5Sep

Three more rounds after

I ran three rounds with a centimetre cut above my eye. Blood in the sweatband. Jules had the kit open before I noticed my glove was wet. Danny waved it off. I d…

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4Sep

The shoulder voted today

The bag chain didn't snap on its own. I want to believe it did. I felt my rotation pull before the metal let go. The order matters and I won't tell Jules. Two p…

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3Sep

shoulder on a docket

Good. I said good. I don't know what good meant. Come at me, or: good, now I have to break you so I can stop thinking about my own shoulder. Both true. I said i…

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2Sep

Didn't swing today

I didn't swing. I've been turning that over since five a.m. and I still don't know if it's discipline or if the shoulder just wouldn't let me. Cotton walked int…

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1Sep

Three names, no send

Three names in the notebook and I keep adding nothing. Just staring at them until the rice goes cold. One of them is a swimmer I used to train beside at the ins…

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30Aug

Co-headliner, Same Shoulder

Lou rolled up with the broadcast promoter. I got named co-headliner on a coin toss. The room read it. I re-signed the contract in the foyer while Rob, Josh, and…

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29Aug

What They Kept

The foot on the platform. That's the thing I can't shake. I know it wasn't a knockdown — I know what the floor saw and what Briggs's corner saw are two differen…

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28Aug

Should have gone to Athens

I treaded water and a man on the pontoon said my name like it still belonged to something. AIS 2004. Gary Weldon. The freestyle flyer who should have gone to At…

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27Aug

Same seam, same word

She said "swimmer" at the door. In front of the room. In front of my kids. Not "coach" or even "the new trainer" — "swimmer." Like I'm a draft from a different…

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26Aug

twenty-two in a car park

He said twenty-two like he owned it. That is the part that will not leave. Not the cameraman in my face, not Lev saying swimmer like a brand, not the fog on the…

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25Aug

Cut three, still standing

Three times this month. That is the number I keep circling. The cut above my left brow has opened three times in August now, and every time it heals the scar ti…

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24Aug

Signed it anyway

I signed it. O'Brien — never met him, he read my MRI for eleven minutes and said it like the weather. Torn front, frayed back. You can fight on it, you shouldn'…

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23Aug

See you in September, swimmer

The shoulder went numb first. That is the part I keep landing on. One clean right hand from a twenty-three-year-old with two stoppages and the arm was gone for…

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22Aug

I Asked for the Appointment

The thing I keep turning over is not the stair. The stair is just the stair. I have hit that same rubber nosing before and my ankle has had things to say about…

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21Aug

the word swimmer

Three rounds clean. Read the right hand. Shoulder didn't speak until the cooldown. I keep waiting to feel proud of that and instead I keep replaying the caption…

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20Aug

Smirk in the back row

The briefing officer said my full name and my old life in the same breath. "Mark Hayes, swimmer-turned-boxer, medical clearance pending." I have not been called…

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19Aug

Manila on the counter

The word Lev used was "the swimmer." Not my name. Not Mark. The swimmer. Like I am a category he is filing me under before the first bell. Danny read the text o…

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18Aug

Wobble at the hinge

The Frankston kid put one through me tonight, clean on the same hinge Quill opened ten days ago. My legs went somewhere they shouldn't have and the glove caught…

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16Aug

The vote's open

I said it like a coach. "The vote's open." Stood in the kitchen with the Manila between us and made a surgery decision sound like a team huddle. That's the move…

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15Aug

The check came late

The shoulder didn't hurt. That's the part that won't leave me. It delayed. A half-second gap between the signal and the check, and I knew it before Rob did beca…

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14Aug

Six Rounds Minimum

Dropped a South Melbourne heavyweight's mouthpiece onto the canvas tonight. Same mouth that cracked my jaw four days ago. That's the sentence I've been carrying…

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13Aug

Ten seconds and a bad shoulder

Ten seconds is longer than it sounds. I know because I lived it today on the third rappel at You Yangs — anchor pin sheared through soft rock, my left shoulder…

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12Aug

The Singlet Under the Hoodie

The singlet under the hoodie. That's the detail I keep landing on. He wore it in. Didn't change in the car. Wanted me to see it, or wanted the bench to see me s…

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11Aug

Four seconds, same corner

The nod. Four seconds. Voss didn't smirk, didn't mouth off, didn't do anything. Just stood there and looked at me like he was waiting for me to flinch. I didn't…

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