I said it out loud

I said the date to Miriam tonight. Not a joke. The real date. Cadogan Hall. Next Thursday.

I have been writing it in my Moleskine for weeks. Just me. Just the pen. I never said it to a real person before. It was my secret. Safe on the page.

Then she asked what I am reading. So I told her. The words came out and I could not take them back.

She said good luck, mate. Just like that. Like it was a real thing.

It is a real thing.

I walked home. I did not open the Moleskine on the bus. I just sat there. My hands in my lap. My heart going fast.

I am scared. I write jokes all the time so I do not have to feel scared. But tonight I am just scared. No joke came.

Miriam let me in. I do not know what to do with that.