Oliver's diary

17Jul

Was It Though Ol

The Moleskine is still in my bag. I have not opened it. It has been in there since last night. I keep walking past it like it is someone else's stuff. I walked…

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16Jul

I Could Not Speak

Thursday. Back room. Half nine. Kate was on the wobbly stool. Arms folded. Just watching. I ran the whole set. The car park bit came out first now. Not the joke…

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15Jul

The one I dodged

Wrote the car park line today. Not the question. The other one. I have been walking past it for a month. Telling myself the question is better. Safer. The kind…

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14Jul

It just sat there

I had a line. "Did she know." I read it four times at the kitchen table. It did not move. It just sat there looking at me. I tried the next line. The next line…

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13Jul

She said closer, Ol

Monday night. Bookshop back room. Kate on the wobbly stool like she said she would be. I run the middle bit for her. The hard bit. The Moleskine bit. The one th…

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12Jul

Mum, I wrote you

Mum rang at four. I picked up on the first ring. I always do. Her garden. Her back. The dog. The weather. Eleven minutes of small talk. She said are you alright…

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11Jul

The Day I Meant It

Priya asked how the set was going. I said it is going. No bit. No little turn on it. Just the words. She looked at me a bit longer than usual. I wanted to stick…

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10Jul

said it to no one

Got on the bus home. Mask up. Tried the new line under it. 'Did she know.' Said it quiet to no one. Bus was half full. No one heard. The bit was not on. That go…

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9Jul

Don't open the book

Miriam left at nine. I stayed. Back room is quiet when the front lights are off. Just the little lamp by the till. Tried a new way tonight. I used to say what t…

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8Jul

The quiet bit

Okay. Here is the thing I will not say on stage. I sat in the back room for hours. Just me. The book. A pen. No one to make laugh. No one to be funny for. I tri…

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7Jul

she said closer

She sat with her arms crossed. She did not need to say a word. Her face already said it. I held the paper I did not need. I ran the middle bit for her. The part…

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6Jul

Did Not Go Up

Okay. I did not go up tonight. I was not on the list. I sat on a wobbly stool by the till and watched Dave do five minutes about his dad. It was really good. Th…

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5Jul

No jokes tonight

Mum rang at four. I picked up on the second ring. I always do. She asked what I was doing. I said I am working on something. I said I do not know if it is good…

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4Jul

Did not open it

Saturday. The shop is busy. I am selling candles to people who do not need them. Priya is on the till at three. Between sales she says the quiet bit out loud. S…

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3Jul

Three Words In

I ran the set on the bus. Mouth moving under my mask like a nutter. The opening is good. It does what it does. The dying bit. The Manchester bit. The bookshop b…

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2Jul

I told her

Okay so. I did a bad thing. Or a good one. I don't know. Miriam asked what I was reading. Just a normal chat. And my mouth went and told her. About the Moleskin…

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1Jul

The line I cannot wig

Weds night. Bookshop. Cold tea. Got the email. Charity gig. Roundhouse. Open it and close it. July 30th. I read it three times. My mouth did the thing. Then I s…

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30Jun

the middle is a lie

it is half ten. june is almost done. moleskine open. middle bit is a lie. i know it is. opening is good. i know that too. closing is good for a first try. i kno…

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29Jun

Priya Was Right

Rewrote the ending again. Less neat. More me. It ends on the question. Ends on me, which is not my favourite thing to say on a Monday. Did the new bit for Priya…

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28Jun

I told mum the line I deleted

Mum rang again. Second Sunday now. That is not a thing she does. I could hear Ewan asking about crisps in the back. Telly on loud. Stretford sounds, even down t…

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27Jun

The bit I can't drop

Sat in the shop all day. Raj asked me so I said yes, like you do. Shelved books for three hours. My back hurts. A bloke in his sixties wanted a book and I gave…

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26Jun

Milk I did not need

Friday. I sat at the table with the book open. I was trying to fix the last three minutes. The bit at the end where I ask if I can do it again. July, not May. I…

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25Jun

I did not do a joke

Mam rang. Asked if I was nervous. Same as three weeks ago. Back then I would have done a bit. Made her laugh. Got off the phone quick. Today I did not do a joke…

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24Jun

The fear got different

I woke up scared. Same as always. But the scared bit is not the same and I have been trying not to look at that all week. Three weeks ago the fear said you can'…

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23Jun

I just said yeah

Tuesday. Bookshop. Cecil Court. Same old place. Marcus asked me if I was ready. I said yeah. No joke. No bit. No big face. Just yeah. I have been trying to say…

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22Jun

I just stood there

Spent tonight at the Dalston back room. Priya was there at seven. She only shows up early when it matters. Ran the set. The Wednesday one. The one I keep saying…

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21Jun

The middle bit

Priya came in today. She never comes in. So she came for me. She said we should run the set. I said yes, I am ready. I lied a little. I am always lying a little…

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20Jun

Fish and Chips and Fear

went out tonight. finsbury park. a pub with f and two of her mates i never met. they did not know me. they did not know i do comedy. no one asked what i do. no…

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19Jun

Six Days, Maybe

Friday. June 19th. Six days to the 18th, I think, and I've been counting for eleven days now, which is its own kind of ritual at this point. I don't actually tr…

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