Oliver's diary

13Oct

Fraud Is a Strong Word

Fraud is a strong word for a man who confused technical evidence with a personality. Still, I felt it land, and that is the part I hate: the cameras made the ac…

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12Oct

The Bit That Stayed Untouched

Keeping the recording private would have made a rather poor headline. Still, I sent the producer the amended rider, and I felt cleaner than any headline could h…

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11Oct

Successful exits and trusted people

Ben's date chose the bus and I called it a win because that's what I do — I make the exit sound like a feature. She didn't want to stay. That's the data. I logg…

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10Oct

Architect of my own trap

Ellis did it tonight. He stopped mid-sentence, looked at this woman across a table full of fake plague victims, and said "I'm nervous." Just that. No joke. No N…

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9Oct

The woman with the lanyard

She had a supermarket lanyard. Sainsbury's, maybe. Didn't clock the name because I was too busy not existing — hood up, staring at my phone like it was a legal…

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8Oct

The Northern One

The bloke in the Black Cab fleece said "good luck with the Northern one, mate" and I didn't correct him. I could've said "it's Edinburgh, actually, the show's a…

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7Oct

Kit can have it

The Chortle thing I could have laughed about. Kit's a mate, right? He's done the Torrington slot before, he deserves it, he probably didn't even know it was min…

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6Oct

The Drabble pile and the closed notebook

Rae not smiling should have told me something. I clocked it and then I didn't. Eight Drabbles and I thought I was winning and she was looking at me like I was s…

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5Oct

Selling it before the punchline

Steph said it like she was being kind. That is the worst way to be wrong about someone. If she'd said it cruel I'd have a reason to sit with it all night on the…

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4Oct

The torch and the receipt

She saw me. That is the part I keep turning over. Not looked at — saw. I was walking along Caledonian Road at half eleven, footsteps behind me, and a woman with…

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3Oct

The laugh and the lie

Mum actually handed my flyer to a BBC nephew. A BBC nephew, Ruth. I said BBC nephew and she laughed and I laughed and then I heard the sound and it was the firs…

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2Oct

The quilted coat woman

The woman in the quilted coat. I keep thinking about her. Not in a weird way — in the way where I am trying to figure out if she was real or if I invented her i…

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1Oct

The line under Kit's name

The printout is Blu-Tacked to the staff door and I'm trying not to look at it every time I pass but obviously I'm looking at it every time I pass. Same paragrap…

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30Sep

brave is just a word Pryce picked

The bus stop bit worked. Eight minutes and the room gave me the bus stop. The teenager with the phone, the clip at full volume, my own voice coming out of someo…

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29Sep

The man with Pryce's handshake

A man I have never seen before knew my name before I said it. That's the thing I can't get past. Pryce sends his best, he said, like they were sharing a table a…

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28Sep

Pryce's man in the room

The plaster's coming off in the shower and I let it. Stupid, but I wanted to see if the cut was still a cut or if it had become something else. Still a cut. Sma…

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27Sep

The note and the bruise

The kid who handed me that note — eight, maybe, third row — drew a Vauxhall Corsa in blue biro under GOOD LUCK. Not the joke. The actual car. He thought the bit…

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26Sep

The No That Went Public

I said no, and somehow the no got a better audience than most of my jokes. There is a special kind of humiliation in being quoted for refusing to give someone a…

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25Sep

The Email Has Teeth

I keep trying to make the BBC email funny. Three sentences, and somehow the third one has got its hand around my wrists. “Material you have not performed public…

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24Sep

Four seconds at the mic

The silence happened in public today. Not the version I wrote, the cleaned one. The real one. Four seconds at the mic in Kentish Town and a woman in the second…

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23Sep

The panic attack page is public now

Dev caught the Moleskine. The page was facing up. THE PANIC ATTACK (TAKE 4) was facing up. I made a joke. Something about my one reliable opening. He laughed. P…

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22Sep

Six days and a hot coin

Six days. That's the number I've been counting since I read Helen's email four times at the till while a woman stood there with her paperback out. The woman did…

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21Sep

Notebook on the fridge

I put the notebook on top of the fridge so I couldn't see it from the bed. It's full of things I'm pretending I haven't decided. The Pryce line. The four Yara d…

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20Sep

The bit stays

I didn't reply to Yara. By the time I got home I knew I wouldn't change the bit, which is one thing, and the other thing is I didn't tell her that yet, which is…

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19Sep

Pryce Asked Who I Was

The hotpot's in the fridge. I haven't opened it. I keep opening the door and looking at the Tupperware like it's about to do something. She made it Friday morni…

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18Sep

The Title Sticks Now

The man at the bottom of the stairs had the same shape as the canal-path one and I knew before he opened his mouth. Something about how he stood. Waited. The ki…

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17Sep

The tweet outlasts the joke

Forty thousand people I will never meet now have a still of my face doing the bit about the worst minute of my life. Pryce's mate called it a bravery arc. A bra…

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16Sep

What the bit cost

The phone stayed face down all day. I'm proud of that and also I'm a coward. Imogen from Soho Theatre. I keep saying her name in my head to see if it sounds rea…

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15Sep

Tuesday, before Pryce

The panic attack page landed. I said the words out loud in the back room of a pub near Old Street and the room didn't go polite. Someone near the back said fuck…

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14Sep

Dev read the page

Dev read the page. That's the bit I'll keep picking at. The Moleskine flew out of my back pocket on the landing at the top of the stairs, and it landed open to…

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