Mum said it about the A-levels

Pryce grabbed me on the Pleasance steps like a nephew he'd been bragging about. "BBC4 desk, this is the lad." The producer's hand stayed on mine a beat too long — you can tell, people let go on the count of one thank-you, this bloke stayed for two. Pryce bought me a half and said the Frog and Bucket bar staff still ask about me. That's the one, actually. Not the BBC4. The Frog and Bucket. Because that's where I started, and "still ask about you" means I mattered somewhere before I was anybody.

My name on the Jack poster with the Q&A sticker. Took the photo for mum because that's what you do. She replied "well that's nice, isn't it, love" — same way she said it about my A-levels. Same way she'll say it in ten years. I don't know if she's being modest or if she genuinely doesn't know what to do with me doing well and I've stopped trying to work out which is worse.

I dropped the Pryce thing into the conversation at the bar tonight while buying Yara her gin. Casual. The way it came up. I used it around her, not in front of her, and I know exactly why and I'm not writing down why because even this page gets to keep a couple of things private.

She had my grey hoodie on from last night. Neither of us mentioned it. Two people being stupid in public.

Her notes on the pause. I take direction from her and I still don't mind and that's the worse thing. I told her I'll go in alone tomorrow. She just nodded. Her shoulder against my arm down the Royal Mile and at one point she caught my sleeve and didn't let go for a whole block — I don't know how long a block is in Marchmont but it's longer than you think.

Soho thing. Still in my mouth. I keep thinking I'll tell her tonight and instead we talk about smoking. We pretended to quit on the steps. Neither of us quit. She knew.

Rank: up. Chest quiet again. I keep waiting for it. I keep prodding the bruise like a child and the bruise is fine and I'm the one not fine about that.

Flat alone. Her hoodie — my hoodie — on the chair. Mum's text still on the pillow. New pause under my sternum like a marble and I don't know if it's the bit or me.