Said it to the kitchen

train to edinburgh. past preston the sky is grey. real grey. cold on top.

open the notebook. first time since cadogan hall. write a title in blue. three words. cross two out. keep the third one.

pippa h has the review job. email lands at waverley. my face does nothing. very good at that.

cab to leith. key under a plant pot that does not look like one. flat smells of wet carpet and someone else's august.

sit on the bed. notebook in lap. do nothing for an hour. real nothing. just me and a blanket.

then i read the first page out loud. to the empty kitchen.

my voice sounds wrong. sounds like a bloke trying to be a bloke.

i keep thinking about the panic one. on the tube. in march. i told no one. made it into a bit. said i was fine. i was not fine.

the third word stays. just that one.