I Could Not Speak

Thursday. Back room. Half nine.

Kate was on the wobbly stool. Arms folded. Just watching.

I ran the whole set. The car park bit came out first now. Not the joke. The real part. The one I was scared to even say for weeks.

It just came out. Like a thing coming out of a person. That is the only way I can say it.

The room went quiet. Not bad quiet. The other quiet.

Kate said nothing for so long I thought she hated it.

Then she said, that was it, Ol. That was the thing.

My chest went hot. I wanted to hide. I wanted to do it again right then. Both at once.

Then she asked, can you do that twice.

I stood there. I could not speak.

I do not know if I can. And that is the scary part. If I can, I have to keep being the person who can.

Going to bed. Going to pretend this was not a big day.