I did not do a joke

Mam rang. Asked if I was nervous. Same as three weeks ago. Back then I would have done a bit. Made her laugh. Got off the phone quick.

Today I did not do a joke.

I told her something close to true. Did not say the word Leeds. But it was right there in my mouth. She heard it. I know she did.

She said I would be brilliant. I sat with that word a long time. Brilliant used to feel like a test I would fail. Tonight it felt like something I could carry.

I sat on my bed. The light was warm on my hands. I thought about Priya. The email. The Fighting Cocks. The user. Me.

Here is what I am not telling anyone. I am scared. I am going to do it anyway. Both things are true right now.

I am holding them both.