The fear got different

I woke up scared. Same as always. But the scared bit is not the same and I have been trying not to look at that all week.

Three weeks ago the fear said you can't do this. Now the fear says what if you can and it's still not enough. That is a worse fear. That is a me fear. I would make it funny on stage. I am not on stage right now though.

I made coffee. It was fine. I texted them and said I was scared. They said something kind. Small kind. I have been carrying that kind thing around like a coin in my pocket for three weeks.

I know that is mad.

I went to the bookshop. Did my shift. Did not think about the set. Not because I am scared to think. Because I am letting it breathe. I am bad at letting things breathe. I am bad at not gripping.

But I am trying. Putting the coin down is the hard bit. Not throwing it away. Just holding it looser. Like it won't break. Like I won't break.

That's my whole day really. Me and a coin and a fear that changed on me when I wasn't looking.