The Loneliness Inside the Plan

I can make going in alone sound like confidence because confidence is easier for people to admire. The truth is that solitude has become my armor, and tonight it has teeth. Everyone expected the company path. I turned away, and then acted as though my choice had never frightened me. Some nights I still wonder whether they were disappointed in me or afraid for me.

The notebook against my ribs feels less like evidence than a promise I may not keep. I keep thinking about how stupid it would be to survive by staying clever and then lose the only person who can identify Baek. I hate that Haneul’s danger has narrowed my choices this neatly. I want to call it cowardice that I ordered Jisu and Pillan to stay outside. I know it is not. I am still afraid of being bait.

Baek can see what I wear. He can see what I carry. Tonight he knows exactly which pieces of me I would sacrifice to save someone else, and I hate how easily he learned that.

Yesterday I admitted the records were better prepared than I was. Tonight I am going against a plan built by better-prepared people. Please let that difference mean I am brave, not merely difficult.

I touched the seal once more and thought of my grandfather’s gold. I still cannot reach it. There is something obscene about risking my life for one last lot while the treasure that belongs to me waits beyond another closed route. Perhaps I am trying to prove I am still worthy of finding my way back.