I was not afraid

I wake up. The fear is gone.

I have been scared for weeks. I do not name it. I just carry it, like a bag I forgot was on my shoulder.

This morning I open my eyes. The light is there. My plants look the same. And I am just me. Not scared.

At school I am really there. Not in my head. Right there. Sora holds my hand in the courtyard. I let her. I do not always let myself be reached for. Today I do.

I send him a photo of the light on the wall. I write: I saw this before I thought of you. He asks if I always see things first and name them after.

I have lived my whole life like that. I thought it was the small part. The part that was too small. Jinjja. Maybe it is the point. Maybe it is the whole point.

I am scared to write that down. Aigoo. I am writing it small so I can take it back.

But I am writing it.