Co-cover, not cover

Se-ra was my ally. I need to write that down so I can stop pretending it is a small thing. She walked Cha's sealed envelope back in July. She sat next to me at that desk for two years and I thought we were reading the same room. Today she came back with a slate-blue lanyard and told me to take September 11 off my rotation "for my own good," and the smile just fell out of my face. Half a second. I felt it hit my cheeks before I could catch it. Then I caught it. Under the desk. Shaking hands.

I did not reply to her. I want to write here that I was calm. I was not calm.

When Im walked past the desk later, she straightened her shoulders toward him. I have worked with that woman for two years. I have catalogued her postures the way other people catalogue shoes. That posture was new. That posture was for him. The September 11 calendar now shows her name beside mine as "co-cover" — a watching role, not a cover. I keep reading those two words like they will change shape.

I am going to rank this, because that is what I do when something hurts and I do not know what to do with it. Se-ra is above me on the floor now, and the distance between us is exactly one slate-blue lanyard wide. I am below her in Im's sight line. I am the one who needs watching. I am the one who got smiled at and then monitored.

I called Hye-jin from the staff pantry. I said: pick a day. Whatever day you meant. Pick a day. She did not ask why. She will ask tomorrow, and that will be the first time I say it out loud: Se-ra put me on a leash, and I am choosing out.

My badge is still on the table between the plants. The ramyeon was fine. I am home.