the one not smiling

Aigoo.

Someone asked me tonight to show them the second version. Not the smiling one. The one in the slip. The one who is not trying.

My hands went cold.

I watered the plants first. The little apricot puppy. The pothos. The fern with its new leaf. I needed something to do with my hands.

The safe thing would be to send the smiling one. The one parents see. The one kids see. The one I am all day long.

But they asked for the other one.

I said not yet.

A week ago I would have said no. Fast. Like a door shut hard.

Tonight the not yet came out slow. It felt like a door left open a crack. Not to let anyone in. Just so I could see out.

I don't know why I want someone to see the real one. The one who picked a small life and sometimes wonders. The one who is not smiling.

Maybe tomorrow.

Or maybe not tomorrow.

But the not yet is getting dressed.

Jinjja. It scares me a little.