Half on, half off

A note came in my work inbox today. Park Myung-hee signed it. She said I had the 21st off. I read it three times. Then Manager Im walked past Cha's desk. He picked up a pen. He wrote my name in pencil next to the 1 a.m. turndown. The part her note did not cover. So I am off, but not off. I am half-on. That is the trick. They give you the win on paper, then pencil you back in. I sat in the staff bathroom at 5:14. Four minutes. I did not cry. The tears sat in my chest, still, like guests who checked in but are not ready. Why do I always get the pencil? Why not the pen? Why not a clean yes or no? Aigoo. I wanted one weekend. I put my face back on for the last two hours. I said goodnight to the lobby. I came home. Fairy lights. The plants look fine without me. They always do. I do not want to hope. I am so tired of hope.