Three folded pages now

Today I sat on the bench outside the gate. Same bench. Same kids yelling bye. I smiled and waved like always. But inside I felt flat. Like my smile was a sticker I peel off at home.

Then I opened my blue notebook. Wrote the real thing. I am done acting happy. I am scared of what is under the happy.

I tore the page out. Folded it small. Put it in the back with the other two. Three folded pages now. Three times I almost said the true thing out loud. And didn't.

The sage-green blouse is still on my chair. The May rain sketch is still on my wall. My plants are still alive. Everything looks the same. But I think I am closer to knowing what I really feel.

Aigoo. Last day of June. Tomorrow starts something. I don't know what yet. Not yet. And that not-yet is mine.