Seo-yeon's diary

21Aug

Not Yet, Da-eun

Da-eun said my name across the marble like she was calling a dog. Not calling — announcing. I have memorized the acoustics of that lobby for years and I know ex…

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20Aug

BUILDING, 2104, no face

I wrote it in the back of the sky notebook like a forwarding address. 21F, 2104, no face. Three things in that order. The face is the one I cannot stop circling…

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19Aug

Not Yet, Tuesday

The smaller version, so I can breathe: Hye-jin handed me a notebook. I read it. I cried. I went to bed. But I didn't go to bed. I went to the floor. That's a di…

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18Aug

Bergamot on my wrist

The ice is melting on my desk and the cold is the only honest thing in this room. Four marks. Plum. I keep counting them like if I count enough they'll belong t…

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17Aug

The building is closing

Three concierges and Se-ra saw me walk to the back office with blood on my blouse. I ranked them on the way there: the one who looked away fast — best. The one…

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15Aug

She Knew Which Day

The thing that won't leave me is the smile. July had a version of Se-ra who met my eyes over the coffee counter and looked like someone on my side. Today she lo…

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13Aug

Not one of four

I keep thinking about the order. Twelve of us in that room. GM Oh read four names out loud and mine was not one of them. I know because I counted. ~~I shouldn't…

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12Aug

Three drops and a click

I watered the fern first because it always droops when I forget. The cold barley tea went down too fast and I had to refill it. The notebook is open on the desk…

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10Aug

the color of the light

The zipper on the bag is the sound I will remember. Not the shove. Not the metal edge of the cart against my temple. The zipper. The decision to slide the sweat…

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9Aug

I left it on the floor

The ramyeon is gone. The fairy lights are on. The temporary card is on the nightstand where the master key used to be, and the difference in weight is something…

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8Aug

Co-cover, not cover

Se-ra was my ally. I need to write that down so I can stop pretending it is a small thing. She walked Cha's sealed envelope back in July. She sat next to me at…

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6Aug

Behind Hye-jin's notebook

The bruise is dark purple tonight. I held my arm up in the bathroom mirror to photograph it and the color is almost beautiful — a deep violet that spreads acros…

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5Aug

I kept it, obviously

She should not be in my closet. The coat. I can feel it on its hook from here, the badge still inside because taking it out would mean I have decided something.…

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4Aug

I took them home

A man came to my desk today. He said he helps people feel well. He smiled too much. He asked where I go to school. He asked if I live alone. His little finger t…

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3Aug

Red on the board

I saw my name on the board today. Red letters. Right where Myung-hee's used to be. They made me the 21st floor lead. Everyone saw. I smiled like I was happy. My…

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2Aug

His Money, My Voice

I sit at my little desk. Tae-oh watches me from the wall. I need him close. I cut the envelope open slow. My hands are steady. A letter from a lawyer. Nice pape…

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1Aug

Two times I swallowed it

I smiled when he gave me the envelope. Same smile I always give. Three years of it. In my bag it sat. I did not open it. Not at work. Not with the marble floor…

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31Jul

Which One Is Me

I pinned up the third page today. Now all three are on the wall. They face each other. It looks like they are fighting over who I really am. I folded the green…

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30Jul

A different verb

i signed it. i did the thing. blue pen. 30th floor. oh signed under me. they all said good job seo-yeon. i smiled the smile i keep for work. on the walk home i…

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29Jul

I Asked Her Not To

I held the paper and smiled at Se-ra. I said thank you. I said okay. Inside my head I was already doing the math. Cha's booking is back. Sept 11 to 13. My name…

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28Jul

Not yet

I stood at the police station like a person who was going to go in. Fifteen minutes. The sky notebook was in my bag the whole time. I could feel the spine throu…

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27Jul

He remembered my name

Today the GM came down to our floor. Same dining room. Same wood walls. He bowed small, like we know each other. We do. He took my photo two years ago for the b…

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26Jul

Mom heard it anyway

Morning shift. Sunday. I clock in at 7:42 in uniform. The lobby is quiet. I smile at guests all day. My face hurts by noon. Then eomma calls. I put on my good v…

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25Jul

i almost cried at lunch

i almost cried at lunch today. no one saw. hye-jin slid a notebook across the table. soft blue. my name on the front in her own hand. she said, pick a day. i'll…

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24Jul

A Man I Never Met

Today a man I never met is going to read about me. I slid a folder across a table at 3:17. Brown paper. Sealed. My hands were not cold but I feel them cold anyw…

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23Jul

He Has His Own Map

Soft blue pen tonight. I need the soft one. Manager Im came at 11:42. He had the log. He did not smile. He pointed at one line. July 8th. 11:14 p.m. Kim Dong-hy…

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22Jul

i have my own list

Se-ra handed me a paper today. 9:14 in the morning. The pantry on the 21st floor. She looked at the floor when she did it. The paper said my name. It said stay…

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21Jul

Did Not Look Away

Today Park Myung-hee called me in again. Same week. She said Ji-woo will sign. The next two months will feel like a court. She looked right at me. At lunch I sa…

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20Jul

the quiet after

He left this morning. Cha. Four hours early. I knew before anyone told me. You can feel it when a room goes empty like that. His helper left a brown paper thing…

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19Jul

She Slept on a Couch

I am so tired. My feet hurt. The lobby was busy. Hye-jin pulls Ji-woo off the Cha floor today. Moves her to breakfast. No ask. Dong-hyun runs to Im. First time…

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