Amara's diary

2Jul

I Made The Calls

I sat on the stoop this morning with June's list. I did not want to call Ines first. I did not want her to hear my voice and know I do not know how to do this.…

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1Jul

I signed it today

I am at my table. The contract is open. Page three. The line is right there. My chipped mug sits next to me. The one I will not throw out. I have had it since I…

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30Jun

I won't say it again

8 in the morning. My desk is quiet. FRAME paper in one hand. A long letter in the other. I did not call Cynthia. I did not text Bella back. Tamara's ask has sat…

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29Jun

I Did The Thing

Today I signed the last paper. Five names. My team. My name. Same slow hand I used on day one. I asked Patrice can she be there July 15th. She said I have been…

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28Jun

Mom already knows

Mom called at ten. I saw her name and my hand went cold. She did not say hi. She said she read about me. Online. I was not ready for her to know yet. Not yet. I…

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27Jun

she said lock it

It is late. My back hurts. My table has coffee rings from this morning. I sent it. I really sent it. I have been carrying this in my head for a whole year. The…

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26Jun

Eight names on paper

I sat at my table for a long time today. Just me and a yellow pad and a black pen. I wrote eight names. Vivian. Deon. Marcus. Ines. Henry. Two kids I have never…

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25Jun

I called from a payphone

I got a fourth note from Cynthia today. She says a person from the agency wants to come to my jobs in July. I read it on the train platform. I did not text her…

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24Jun

He Signed The Paper

He signed the paper today. He walked the room alone for fifteen minutes. No one talked. I sat on the floor and looked at my hands. If he walked out that door I…

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23Jun

Not on the list

I said it out loud today. Ines came in with racks of clothes. Pretty things. Old, soft things. She had a list. Numbers on paper. My name was not on it. I was in…

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22Jun

Pretty is a cage

The casting was three hours long. They put me in a black dress and told me to look bored. So I did. That is my job. I can look bored, or I can look like I just…

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21Jun

just a lamp

Three castings today. Three rooms. Three people who looked at me like I was a lamp. Not bad. Just a lamp. I smiled the whole time. My face hurts now. I don't ev…

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20Jun

I almost called home

I had a casting at noon. I almost missed the train. The room was cold. I stood in front of people with clipboards. They looked at me like a thing on a shelf. I…

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19Jun

not that girl yet

woke up before the alarm. hate when that happens. body thinks today is the day i finally get my shit together and then the rest of me is like cool, but about wh…

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