Mark's diary

20Aug

Smirk in the back row

The briefing officer said my full name and my old life in the same breath. "Mark Hayes, swimmer-turned-boxer, medical clearance pending." I have not been called…

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19Aug

Manila on the counter

The word Lev used was "the swimmer." Not my name. Not Mark. The swimmer. Like I am a category he is filing me under before the first bell. Danny read the text o…

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18Aug

Wobble at the hinge

The Frankston kid put one through me tonight, clean on the same hinge Quill opened ten days ago. My legs went somewhere they shouldn't have and the glove caught…

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16Aug

The vote's open

I said it like a coach. "The vote's open." Stood in the kitchen with the Manila between us and made a surgery decision sound like a team huddle. That's the move…

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15Aug

The check came late

The shoulder didn't hurt. That's the part that won't leave me. It delayed. A half-second gap between the signal and the check, and I knew it before Rob did beca…

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14Aug

Six Rounds Minimum

Dropped a South Melbourne heavyweight's mouthpiece onto the canvas tonight. Same mouth that cracked my jaw four days ago. That's the sentence I've been carrying…

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13Aug

Ten seconds and a bad shoulder

Ten seconds is longer than it sounds. I know because I lived it today on the third rappel at You Yangs — anchor pin sheared through soft rock, my left shoulder…

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12Aug

The Singlet Under the Hoodie

The singlet under the hoodie. That's the detail I keep landing on. He wore it in. Didn't change in the car. Wanted me to see it, or wanted the bench to see me s…

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11Aug

Four seconds, same corner

The nod. Four seconds. Voss didn't smirk, didn't mouth off, didn't do anything. Just stood there and looked at me like he was waiting for me to flinch. I didn't…

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10Aug

Thirty seconds on the bench

The cut opened again. Same spot above the brow. I stood in the change room and could see the brightness in my own eyes that I don't like — the one that means my…

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9Aug

The shoulder didn't click

Someone almost killed me this morning and didn't see me do it. Three feet between the jetski and my chest. I keep turning that number over like it's a measureme…

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8Aug

The word swimmer

Lev said swimmer loud enough for the floor. That is the word that has been following me for three years and he put it on me in front of Voss, in front of my own…

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7Aug

Took the knee, said last

The floor saw it. Rob, Lachie, Hannah, two fighters I don't know, all standing there watching blood run off my brow onto the canvas, and my face did something I…

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6Aug

The seam got me

The seam got me. Not Voss, not the Northside kid, not the bag corner — the curled-up rubber mat nobody bothered to glue down. That's the kind of thing that deci…

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5Aug

Read Wrong

Two days ago Lachie hit me. Yesterday Lev said swimmer playing boxer on Rob's phone. Today a stranger at the abseil wall told me I should be on a calendar. Thre…

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4Aug

Swimmer Playing Boxer

Rob left his phone on speaker in the hall. Lev's voice. My name. Swimmer. He said swimmer playing boxer. He said it like a fact. Like the weather. I walked past…

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3Aug

maybe he was right

glove blew today. mid hook. velcro gave up after three years of me forgetting to fix it. the whole floor saw it skid to the ropes. and josh, way over in the cor…

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2Aug

The wrist thing

The shoulder clicks clean today. That felt good. But my right wrist is not right. I taped it before rounds. Rob saw. He did not ask. I did not say. I keep think…

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1Aug

Said yes too fast

The Manila envelope is still on the counter. Has been there since the thirtieth. I walk past it. Dr Reyes's number is right there on the receipt. I do not call.…

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31Jul

The shoulder held today

I swam this morning. Six fifteen. The bay was grey and the wind bit my face. I got in. The catch came through and my arm followed and the shoulder clicked clean…

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30Jul

left it on the counter

I stood in the hall at six. The singlet is still up there. 2004. I did not take it down. I walked to the kitchen. I opened the drawer under the spare thermals.…

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29Jul

The Drawer Stays Shut

The drawer stayed shut. I stood there. Phone in one hand. Envelope in the other. I put it away a whole month ago. I can see the names right through the paper. I…

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28Jul

The flinch I recognise

The shoulder did it again. Clean click on the fourth stroke, same as yesterday. Two days in a row now. I know what that means. I know what it doesn't mean. I he…

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27Jul

Held pads. Didn't phone.

Held pads for a new kid today. Josh. Eighteen. He listens, that's the thing. Most kids nod and do what they want. Josh nods and does what I say. Danny signed hi…

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26Jul

I Said Yeah

The shoulder clicked on round three. Then again on round four. Same spot. Same sound. Like a little snap that only I hear. After the bag Danny pulled me in. He…

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25Jul

running from the pool

I swim the bay. six fifteen. water is grey. wind is mean. the shoulder clicks on the fourth stroke. it does not break. my arm just keeps going. I stand up in th…

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24Jul

The drawer stayed shut

Sparring day. Danny put me in with Lachie for two light rounds. My shoulder clicked clean on the third hit. No pain. Nothing. That is the problem. Nothing. Lach…

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23Jul

six years easy

Took Pete down the cliff track today. Soft bloke from Brisbane. We kept it easy. He asked how long I had been doing this. I said six years. The number sat in my…

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22Jul

The drawer stays shut

Apex today. Wrapped Lachie's hands and the other lads fighting tonight. Three rounds on the heavy bag. My shoulder clicked clean on the third. That part felt ri…

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21Jul

I did not pick it up

Woke up before the alarm. Drove to St Kilda in the dark. Water was grey and cold and my arms knew what to do. Fourth stroke, my shoulder clicked. Once. Then it…

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