Amara's diary

20Aug

Tasha is not my name

A woman I have never met walked into Mrs. Adler's apartment and called me Tasha. Not asked. Called. In front of the client, like I was a wrong number she had be…

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19Aug

The word model, in his mouth

The husband said it twice. First at the door, loud, the model's here, babe, and I corrected him — I'm the stylist — and he came back with you look more like the…

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18Aug

Lenox Road, eleven minutes

The man on the Nevins platform put me in my place before I opened my mouth. Tracksuit, white, decided. You know where the stylist thing is, right? I walked past…

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17Aug

The hand first

The hand was on my shoulder before I saw him. Hard. Hard enough to spin me half around in Imani's hallway. I was facing the mirror when his palm hit and then I…

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16Aug

A Deadline I Did Not Agree To

The sister thing. That's what did it. I never mentioned Atlanta. I never mentioned a sister. I had a whole fitting in Tribeca today — $2,400 return client, expe…

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15Aug

still not opening it

You understand the ranking. I don't. I refuse to. The stool was mine. Eleven Tuesdays, seven months, every fold of that garment bag — mine. Jolene walked out ca…

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14Aug

The SUV was back

The SUV was back. Ten days since the last time I saw it and I had let myself start believing I'd invented the whole thing, or that he'd moved on the way men in…

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12Aug

Held for eleven minutes

Robin read the draft. I handed her the phone open and she said send it and I didn't send it. That was in the morning. By the afternoon she saw the edge of the e…

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11Aug

the navy coat, the nine, the crack

I keep coming back to the navy coat. Not the thermos, not the pain, not even Robin's voice. The navy coat. He looked at me and saw a category. He looked at Robi…

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10Aug

robin in the next bed

The mother from Detroit watched my hands and then said, in front of her daughters, that she wished she had had someone like me in her thirties. I am going to ca…

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9Aug

Seven Minutes

seven minutes. I packed Camille's rack in seven minutes. I timed it without timing it. I am proud the way I am proud when a kid holds still for school photos: n…

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8Aug

two men with my name

The bruise first. I keep seeing it. Hip, purple already by the time I got home. I stood in the bathroom with my shirt up and took three photos because the first…

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6Aug

i've been patient too

Pereira said my name like he was reading it off a summons. Ms. Williams. Not Amara. The locksmith paperwork was already in his back pocket when he knocked, whic…

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4Aug

She called me Tasha

A white lady knocked on Camille's door today. Right in the middle of the fit. She ran a model thing a long time ago. She said my old name out loud. Tasha. Like…

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3Aug

She Had My Bag

I walked in and she was already there. Younger. Newer. Two new five-stars. Sitting on my stool. Mrs. Adler did not say her name. Just, "Amara, this is Jolene."…

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1Aug

Rent on my chest

I woke up and felt the rent on my chest. Two thousand three hundred dollars. That is a wall. Three bad reviews on my page. One is from Devon. He said I walked o…

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31Jul

I almost pressed send

It is 11pm. My back hurts. I worked 26 days this month. I did not make rent. There is a note on my counter. I typed it to a man in Fort Greene. It said I am in…

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30Jul

I let her go

I have a folder on my phone. It is just called JULY. It is four screenshots of a woman named Kessler. She wanted me for her wedding. I never wrote her back. She…

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29Jul

I keep deleting the reply

I am tired tonight. The kind that sits behind my eyes. Yael booked me again. October for her sister. She said she wants me back. I smiled the real smile. Four r…

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28Jul

The Six Hundred Is Gone

I declined the six hundred. I want to write that down so I can look at it tomorrow and decide if it was smart or stupid. Right now it just feels like a number t…

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27Jul

I Call It July

I have a folder on my phone. I call it JULY. It is full of mean things people wrote about me. I just put Devon's in there. He said I walked out. I did not. He s…

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26Jul

I Almost Cried on the Train

Today is a win. I keep saying that. Two nice women in Fort Greene. Imani and Sasha. They have sweet tea on the counter before I come in. Sasha asks if I work wi…

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25Jul

I Said No Today

I lost $250 on Friday. Walked out of a job. The kind that pays. Today I made $130 cash from Mrs. Adler. She is kind. She is real. She said I am the only one who…

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24Jul

The Second Key

Today I walked out of a job and I don't feel bad about it. Devon was nice. Bright apartment. Ninety minutes smooth. Then I went to pack up and I saw a second ke…

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23Jul

september, twice

Mrs. Kessler said yes. I pinned it. It is sitting right under Reggie's DM like a little medal. September. Mine. Then a man I never met DM'd me. "Can I send him…

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22Jul

I sent it before the toast

I pressed send before the toast popped. I typed that Kessler note three times. Three. Then I just hit it. My hands were cold. I said no to a SoHo job today. Ele…

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21Jul

If you still want me

Woke up to a DM. Reggie. From Chelsea in May. A photo of my hands. He took it when I was not looking. He wrote "you looked good that day." I just sat there. The…

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20Jul

Still No Answer

Took the Fort Greene job today. Rent is four days off. I did not want to go. I went anyway. Two of them, both home. My new rule. Imani and Sasha were making swe…

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19Jul

One star, right at the top

It is Sunday night. I am on my bed with my shoes still on. Maya's words sit on my lock screen. I read them again. I read them one more time. She is right. I hat…

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18Jul

I read the nice one first

The walk to Mrs. Adler felt good. My feet knew the way. I knew what to do. Sophie opened the door and said hi Amara like I live there. The cash was on the count…

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