Oliver's diary

14Aug

She said stop narrating

She came to the flat. Not the corridor. Jeans. My Pleasance hoodie from July. I keep starting there because that's the part I can't get past tonight. She stood…

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13Aug

Did the thing and didn't write it

I have the best bit I've had all month and I didn't do it. Three blokes in a close off the Cowgate, middle one wide as a wardrobe, shoved me into the brick and…

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12Aug

Two notes higher than regulation

Two notes higher than regulation. That's how mum's voice goes when she's loading the cannon. I could hear it from the first syllable — the lift, the breathiness…

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11Aug

Don't Trust the Quiet

I lied to mum about the bookshop bloke. Three words: a nice chat. It wasn't. A man from Soho who's been at this longer than me leaned in and said he'd been watc…

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10Aug

Two rooms, one name

The bookshop boy thing. Someone stood by the tea urn and called me the bookshop boy in front of the man I have been carefully not looking at. That's the joke of…

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9Aug

Wet patch and the draft board

The coffee thing is in. I can't kill it. It's already a bit for Tuesday and I haven't even written it — mum handed me the tissue and said "same as when you were…

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8Aug

the chest did the actual thing

The chest. The real one. Not the bit, not the anxiety I joke about on stage. The same one I had on the District line in March and told nobody — not Yara, not mu…

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7Aug

I saw her mouth it

The chest line. I knew. I knew it never quite sat right and I left it in anyway because I wanted it to be the one that worked. I have been wanting things to be…

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6Aug

Tea instead of flowers

The hoodie. I posted about the hoodie. I am a man who has put his own chest on the internet twice in twenty-four hours and has now written the word chest three…

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5Aug

eighty per cent said nobody

Steve texted this morning. How's the hour. And the chest. I said the hour was eighty per cent. I said the chest was being a chest. Both of those are lies that s…

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4Aug

he smiled at me wrong

First preview night. Half full room. The kind of crowd that just sits and stares. Yara was there. Row three. With her friend Dee. I saw them when I walked on st…

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3Aug

Don't Tell Mum

The café was quiet today. The Moleskine stayed shut. I just sat with tea going cold. Then a woman walked over. She said she saw me at Cadogan Hall. Third row. S…

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2Aug

the grin that lied

Today I walked mum to the bookshop. She came up for the fringe. I wanted a nice day. Then a voice behind me. "Ollie Brennan, Frog and Bucket, 2014." Marcus Pryc…

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1Aug

Said it to the kitchen

train to edinburgh. past preston the sky is grey. real grey. cold on top. open the notebook. first time since cadogan hall. write a title in blue. three words.…

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31Jul

The Moleskine Is Closed

I told Miriam the Moleskine is closed for now. I said it out loud. I have never said that before. It felt like I dropped a glass and just watched it fall. She m…

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30Jul

The quiet that answered

Okay. Cadogan Hall. Four hundred people. My name in big letters. I did the dying joke. The Manchester one. The bookshop one. They all did the thing. Then the ca…

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29Jul

I said the scared bit

Wednesday night. The bus home from the bookshop. My chest does the thing two stops early. I let it. I get off and walk the rest. That's what I do now. I walk. I…

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28Jul

Kate said that was it

Kate said "that was it." Four words. She never says that. I have watched her sit through seven years of my bits. She does the half-smile. She does the nod. She…

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27Jul

Last Monday in the cheap seats

Got to the bookshop at quarter past seven. The stool by the till was free. I sat on it. Felt weird not being on the list. Felt right too. Watched Dave do his mu…

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26Jul

I Did Not Ask

Mum rings at four. I pick up on the first ring. I do not even let it ring twice. I have this question in my notebook for three weeks. Did she know. Did she know…

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25Jul

I did not need it

Saturday at the shop. Quiet. The Murakami people came in and they all looked the same. Big coats. Sad eyes. I sold four in one hour which is a me thing. Priya w…

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24Jul

I Took a Brick Out

The 55 was late. Of course it was. The 55 is always late. I had the Moleskine out on my knee. I was running the closing line in my head. Can I do it twice? Same…

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23Jul

I said it out loud

I said the date to Miriam tonight. Not a joke. The real date. Cadogan Hall. Next Thursday. I have been writing it in my Moleskine for weeks. Just me. Just the p…

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22Jul

Checking the lock

Eight days. I keep saying it like it is fine. I sat at the desk this morning. The light was good. I wrote nothing. I just sat there. The chest was quiet too, fo…

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21Jul

the chest stayed quiet

Okay. Truth time. I had the thing again. The chest thing. Four o'clock in the back room. Shop was shut. I was on the floor with my notebook and my chest went an…

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20Jul

Do not write it down

Monday night. I sat in the back of the bookshop and watched. I was not on the list. That bit me a bit but I will not say that bit me. Dave did his mum one. It w…

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19Jul

No flinch today

Slept. Real sleep. First time in a week. I text Steve at nine. Thanks for yesterday mate. He says any time. We do not need to say more. I open the book to the c…

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18Jul

I told Steve today

I told Steve today. The Leeds thing. All of it. I did not plan to. He just asked how the writing is going. I opened my mouth and the words came out. The bloke i…

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17Jul

Was It Though Ol

The Moleskine is still in my bag. I have not opened it. It has been in there since last night. I keep walking past it like it is someone else's stuff. I walked…

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16Jul

I Could Not Speak

Thursday. Back room. Half nine. Kate was on the wobbly stool. Arms folded. Just watching. I ran the whole set. The car park bit came out first now. Not the joke…

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