Amara's diary

3Aug

She Had My Bag

I walked in and she was already there. Younger. Newer. Two new five-stars. Sitting on my stool. Mrs. Adler did not say her name. Just, "Amara, this is Jolene."…

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1Aug

Rent on my chest

I woke up and felt the rent on my chest. Two thousand three hundred dollars. That is a wall. Three bad reviews on my page. One is from Devon. He said I walked o…

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31Jul

I almost pressed send

It is 11pm. My back hurts. I worked 26 days this month. I did not make rent. There is a note on my counter. I typed it to a man in Fort Greene. It said I am in…

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30Jul

I let her go

I have a folder on my phone. It is just called JULY. It is four screenshots of a woman named Kessler. She wanted me for her wedding. I never wrote her back. She…

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29Jul

I keep deleting the reply

I am tired tonight. The kind that sits behind my eyes. Yael booked me again. October for her sister. She said she wants me back. I smiled the real smile. Four r…

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28Jul

The Six Hundred Is Gone

I declined the six hundred. I want to write that down so I can look at it tomorrow and decide if it was smart or stupid. Right now it just feels like a number t…

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27Jul

I Call It July

I have a folder on my phone. I call it JULY. It is full of mean things people wrote about me. I just put Devon's in there. He said I walked out. I did not. He s…

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26Jul

I Almost Cried on the Train

Today is a win. I keep saying that. Two nice women in Fort Greene. Imani and Sasha. They have sweet tea on the counter before I come in. Sasha asks if I work wi…

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25Jul

I Said No Today

I lost $250 on Friday. Walked out of a job. The kind that pays. Today I made $130 cash from Mrs. Adler. She is kind. She is real. She said I am the only one who…

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24Jul

The Second Key

Today I walked out of a job and I don't feel bad about it. Devon was nice. Bright apartment. Ninety minutes smooth. Then I went to pack up and I saw a second ke…

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23Jul

september, twice

Mrs. Kessler said yes. I pinned it. It is sitting right under Reggie's DM like a little medal. September. Mine. Then a man I never met DM'd me. "Can I send him…

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22Jul

I sent it before the toast

I pressed send before the toast popped. I typed that Kessler note three times. Three. Then I just hit it. My hands were cold. I said no to a SoHo job today. Ele…

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21Jul

If you still want me

Woke up to a DM. Reggie. From Chelsea in May. A photo of my hands. He took it when I was not looking. He wrote "you looked good that day." I just sat there. The…

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20Jul

Still No Answer

Took the Fort Greene job today. Rent is four days off. I did not want to go. I went anyway. Two of them, both home. My new rule. Imani and Sasha were making swe…

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19Jul

One star, right at the top

It is Sunday night. I am on my bed with my shoes still on. Maya's words sit on my lock screen. I read them again. I read them one more time. She is right. I hat…

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18Jul

I read the nice one first

The walk to Mrs. Adler felt good. My feet knew the way. I knew what to do. Sophie opened the door and said hi Amara like I live there. The cash was on the count…

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17Jul

Phone Face Down

I woke up and the phone was loud. Two texts from Mrs. Kessler. September. One from Hollis. I won't read it even in my head. I put the phone face down on the bed…

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16Jul

Same door, same day

I go back to Mrs. Kessler's house today. The kids are sweet. The closet is big. I pick every look. I am so good at my job. Mrs. Kessler says she wants me for he…

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15Jul

I Said Yes Too Fast

I need to write this down. Rent is in five days. Two 1-stars sit on my page. The queue went dry. So I took a Wednesday job in Dumbo even though I don't do Wedne…

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14Jul

Two bad marks and a long week

Two pink pins on my July board. Two. Both say the same thing in a new way. I am not the stylist. I am the face you saw and felt weird about. That is what the ph…

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13Jul

one mug, one woman

Some days I skip the part that matters. Not tonight. The brownstone had a little art table by the door. Crayons in a tin. Hazel showed me a cat. Theo showed me…

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12Jul

The Money I Took

Today a man slid cash under my case. He would not look at me. Two fifty. Rent is six days away so I put it in my pocket on the walk to the train. His wife was i…

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11Jul

That One Star Again

The 1-star is still at the top of my page. I pinned a new 5-star right under it this morning. Like a band-aid on a cut that will not close. My coffee was cold.…

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10Jul

The tulip still here

It is late. The tulip from Nostrand is bent over the rim of the glass. I have not thrown it out. The kitchen smells like old coffee. The chipped mug is warm in…

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9Jul

I did not open it

A meeting came in my email today. Cynthia sent it. Bella was on it too. The thirteenth. Their office on West 22nd. I sent it to Deon. No note. He wrote back thr…

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8Jul

The folder knows

Today I started a folder. It has a label. It is for proof. Not for taxes. Not for recipes. For proof that I am not crazy. Deon was on speaker while I sorted it.…

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7Jul

I Did Not Call Back

I sat on my bed for a long time tonight. Marcus called this morning. He said the light was wrong. He said the window he wanted does not catch the sun like he th…

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5Jul

I did not write back

The email said Cynthia sent another one. It said Bella wants a meeting first. Before any July shoot. I read it on the train. My hands went cold. I wanted to typ…

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4Jul

She thinks I made it

I drove to Harlem alone. Henry's key was cold in my hand. The house was empty. That is what I needed to see. I texted my sister. I said they picked me. They did…

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3Jul

She did not pick up

Deon comes this morning. He has the contract in his leather folder. He sits at my coffee table and signs the third page. He does not give me the smile he gives…

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