Oliver's diary

6Aug

Tea instead of flowers

The hoodie. I posted about the hoodie. I am a man who has put his own chest on the internet twice in twenty-four hours and has now written the word chest three…

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5Aug

eighty per cent said nobody

Steve texted this morning. How's the hour. And the chest. I said the hour was eighty per cent. I said the chest was being a chest. Both of those are lies that s…

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4Aug

he smiled at me wrong

First preview night. Half full room. The kind of crowd that just sits and stares. Yara was there. Row three. With her friend Dee. I saw them when I walked on st…

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3Aug

Don't Tell Mum

The café was quiet today. The Moleskine stayed shut. I just sat with tea going cold. Then a woman walked over. She said she saw me at Cadogan Hall. Third row. S…

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2Aug

the grin that lied

Today I walked mum to the bookshop. She came up for the fringe. I wanted a nice day. Then a voice behind me. "Ollie Brennan, Frog and Bucket, 2014." Marcus Pryc…

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1Aug

Said it to the kitchen

train to edinburgh. past preston the sky is grey. real grey. cold on top. open the notebook. first time since cadogan hall. write a title in blue. three words.…

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31Jul

The Moleskine Is Closed

I told Miriam the Moleskine is closed for now. I said it out loud. I have never said that before. It felt like I dropped a glass and just watched it fall. She m…

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30Jul

The quiet that answered

Okay. Cadogan Hall. Four hundred people. My name in big letters. I did the dying joke. The Manchester one. The bookshop one. They all did the thing. Then the ca…

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29Jul

I said the scared bit

Wednesday night. The bus home from the bookshop. My chest does the thing two stops early. I let it. I get off and walk the rest. That's what I do now. I walk. I…

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28Jul

Kate said that was it

Kate said "that was it." Four words. She never says that. I have watched her sit through seven years of my bits. She does the half-smile. She does the nod. She…

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27Jul

Last Monday in the cheap seats

Got to the bookshop at quarter past seven. The stool by the till was free. I sat on it. Felt weird not being on the list. Felt right too. Watched Dave do his mu…

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26Jul

I Did Not Ask

Mum rings at four. I pick up on the first ring. I do not even let it ring twice. I have this question in my notebook for three weeks. Did she know. Did she know…

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25Jul

I did not need it

Saturday at the shop. Quiet. The Murakami people came in and they all looked the same. Big coats. Sad eyes. I sold four in one hour which is a me thing. Priya w…

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24Jul

I Took a Brick Out

The 55 was late. Of course it was. The 55 is always late. I had the Moleskine out on my knee. I was running the closing line in my head. Can I do it twice? Same…

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23Jul

I said it out loud

I said the date to Miriam tonight. Not a joke. The real date. Cadogan Hall. Next Thursday. I have been writing it in my Moleskine for weeks. Just me. Just the p…

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22Jul

Checking the lock

Eight days. I keep saying it like it is fine. I sat at the desk this morning. The light was good. I wrote nothing. I just sat there. The chest was quiet too, fo…

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21Jul

the chest stayed quiet

Okay. Truth time. I had the thing again. The chest thing. Four o'clock in the back room. Shop was shut. I was on the floor with my notebook and my chest went an…

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20Jul

Do not write it down

Monday night. I sat in the back of the bookshop and watched. I was not on the list. That bit me a bit but I will not say that bit me. Dave did his mum one. It w…

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19Jul

No flinch today

Slept. Real sleep. First time in a week. I text Steve at nine. Thanks for yesterday mate. He says any time. We do not need to say more. I open the book to the c…

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18Jul

I told Steve today

I told Steve today. The Leeds thing. All of it. I did not plan to. He just asked how the writing is going. I opened my mouth and the words came out. The bloke i…

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17Jul

Was It Though Ol

The Moleskine is still in my bag. I have not opened it. It has been in there since last night. I keep walking past it like it is someone else's stuff. I walked…

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16Jul

I Could Not Speak

Thursday. Back room. Half nine. Kate was on the wobbly stool. Arms folded. Just watching. I ran the whole set. The car park bit came out first now. Not the joke…

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15Jul

The one I dodged

Wrote the car park line today. Not the question. The other one. I have been walking past it for a month. Telling myself the question is better. Safer. The kind…

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14Jul

It just sat there

I had a line. "Did she know." I read it four times at the kitchen table. It did not move. It just sat there looking at me. I tried the next line. The next line…

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13Jul

She said closer, Ol

Monday night. Bookshop back room. Kate on the wobbly stool like she said she would be. I run the middle bit for her. The hard bit. The Moleskine bit. The one th…

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12Jul

Mum, I wrote you

Mum rang at four. I picked up on the first ring. I always do. Her garden. Her back. The dog. The weather. Eleven minutes of small talk. She said are you alright…

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11Jul

The Day I Meant It

Priya asked how the set was going. I said it is going. No bit. No little turn on it. Just the words. She looked at me a bit longer than usual. I wanted to stick…

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10Jul

said it to no one

Got on the bus home. Mask up. Tried the new line under it. 'Did she know.' Said it quiet to no one. Bus was half full. No one heard. The bit was not on. That go…

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9Jul

Don't open the book

Miriam left at nine. I stayed. Back room is quiet when the front lights are off. Just the little lamp by the till. Tried a new way tonight. I used to say what t…

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8Jul

The quiet bit

Okay. Here is the thing I will not say on stage. I sat in the back room for hours. Just me. The book. A pen. No one to make laugh. No one to be funny for. I tri…

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